(Mostly) Romantic Plots, Explained Badly

A drunken ex-captain in Civil War-era US is sent to train a group of ragtag rice farmers with modern firearms. Ends up killing their leader, inadvertently falling for the widow and befriending her brother, joining the farmers’ cause, and giving a double-crossing ex-mentor a piece of his mind.

A traveling artist orphan rescues a spoiled Edwardian brat, but she is unable to rescue him.

A kickboxer, a brainiac, and a boombox.

A misanthropic writer falls for a waitress, thanks to an artist and his dog.

Guy thinks GF is cheating on him; makes revenge footage with another girl, sends to GF; realizes his mistake, and goes on an epic road trip to stop the FedEx; ends up falling for the other girl, anyway.

Homely boy falls for haughty girl. Haughty girl’s parents don’t approve. Homely boy writes lots of letters, which he will read to her in a nursing home.

Boy and girl move in together. Friend gets jealous. Boy seeks help from a psychic. Friend gets taken.

 Three cool chemists, a goofball, monster mutants, and lots of shampoo.

Two pilots love a nurse. One pilot leaves; the other knocks up the nurse; the pilot returns, gets jealous, ends up raising the other guy’s kid.

A coffee merchant, a con artist bride, a poisoned chalice, and lots of sex.

Sequels, prequels, light sabers, grime… and Jar Jar Binks.

An aging pervert poses as a seventeen-year-old emo kid, in order to stalk the emo new girl in town. A shirtless creep won’t leave the emo girl alone, either.

Floggers, butt-plugs, whips, and chains.
He makes her think that love needs pain.
She likes the money and the D,
Hence why the jerk gets off Scott-free

A student pretends to be a wealthy, bored housewife to lure a cold, calculating fascist puppet into a trap. She “trains” for her part with a classmate, then goes to work. She mistakingly falls for her mark, lulled into a sense of intimacy, and betrays her group, costing their lives and her own.

They have each other but must keep up the charade of being family men in a bigoted society.

A soul guardian literally falls for a body healer. The body healer’s attempt to fly doesn’t go well. The former soul guardian is now stuck on Earth as a lonely human.

Boy meets girl. Boy falls for girl. Girl doesn’t believe in love but wants to be friends with benefits. Boy wants more from girl. Girl leaves. Boy vilifies girl. Girl gets engaged. Boy is shocked but gets over it.

Mr. Mid-Life Crisis befriends Ms. Newlywed during a week in Tokyo.

A young socialite, whose husband is presumed dead, walks into a bar… Of all the gin joints in all the world, she discovers that her former lover is running it.

A handsome, socially-awkward mathematician is sick of sex. He places an ad for an [unattractive] intellectual equal to provide companionship. A quirky English Lit professor enters the picture. Despite agreeing to a chaste marriage with the math hunk, she wants more. The guy refuses, so the girl leaves and gets a makeover. The guy realizes he loved the girl as is.

A T-Bird falls for a Pink Lady. At the risk of losing his cool cred, T-Bird keeps up a jerk facade. A mad and humiliated Pink Lady tries to move on with a Jock but can’t forget T-Bird. Cue musical numbers.

A San Francisco big shot has two great loves: himself and his career. Success goes to his head, as he frames an innocent fellow DMV tester for cheating and bungles an ad pitch. His girlfriend also leaves, fed up with the noncommittal A-hole. The snubbed Sweet Girl test-taker gets her revenge, forcing Big Shot to drive her around and eventually move in with her for a month. Big Shot begins to fall for Sweet Girl, but a tragic secret forces her to kick Big Shot out, once the month is up.

A jaded yoga instructor comes home to find her boyfriend packing up. She cries to her male best friend, a gardener to LA’s finest; the two get drunk on margaritas and martinis, trashing the guy’s clients’ house. A hookup ensues, resulting in a sexually-incompatible but happy relationship as parents. Before long, Mr. Gardener is lucky with dates, but Ms. Yoga isn’t too happy as nothing more than a stay-at-home mom. A new client at her studio, Mr. Investor, lands Ms. Yoga a date and a kiss, prompting Mr. Gardener’s jealousy. Mr. Investor proposes and sleeps with Ms. Yoga. Mr. Gardener flips, especially after Mr. Investor reveals plans to uproot his son. A custody battle ensues. Then, the real dad enters: Mr. Dumped-Ms. Yoga-Earlier-in-the-Movie.

A hot-headed detective, a calculating writer, and an ice pick… and sex.

A nymphomaniac, a lawyer, a gun, and candle wax

A cocky entrepreneur gives a Boulevard babe $3000 and lets her go after one week… Or does he?

Bored with stealing paintings, James Bond decides to steal the heart of an insurance investigator, who is on his case.

A couple’s three-day courtship ends tragically, due to their respective families’ decades-long feud.

A vagabond steals a girl’s comb… and her heart. The girl’s “sister” loves a wuxia master but is engaged to his brother-in-arms. Wire-fu ensues.

A young soldier returns from war to discover that “till death do us part” is just a suggestion.

A Kazakh bride has two suitors: her financially humble boyfriend and a wealthy stranger. The stranger takes the bride, after she and the BF make a blood pact. A few sexy-times later, the bride grows to love the suitor, but the BF takes him out… So she sleeps with her brother-in-law, becoming pregnant.